Riding high on the anxiety train...

I get that there will be good days, there will be bad days and there will be days that I love life again but the constant anxiety that I feel day in and day out, I may never get used to.  

It's not crazy to think that I am a completely different person than I was 4 months ago but I'm so far gone from who I once was, sometimes I can't recognize myself.  For those who know me, I've always been a social butterfly/party animal/the opposite of a home body.  Nowadays, I can't even muster up the desire to even see most friends. Don't get me wrong, I have good days when I want to be out, get my nails done, go for coffee and lunch but attending birthdays, celebrating, night clubs and being with large crowds is anything but something I want to be doing.  It makes me really sad because its not that I don't want to have fun, I want to, but I just cant seem to.  Large crowds, concerts, and night clubs give me the quickest onset of panic and anxiety I've ever dealt with.  I don't want to be around these people, I don't want to be in a loud atmosphere, and I don't want to deal with people who are inebriated.  

I also feel like I have become socially awkward too.  I can't seem to hold conversations, meeting new people is just so weird to me now and partying/drinking, forget about it.  Granted I have never been a big drinker, nothing annoys me more than people who are drunk.  My fuse has become so short I just can't seem to deal with that.  I would rather leave the situation than force myself to deal with any of these things, even if it is with my friends.  I'm not personally mad at any one person for having fun, I just really want no part of it.  Somedays. There seems to be like one day a month where I can really let loose and have fun but then I revert back to being an introvert. I don't know if I feel some sort of guilt for having fun but it is almost instant where I just want nothing to do with the world again. 

It is almost extreme for me to say this but in a way I feel like I have PTSD.  I am in no way comparing my life to that of people in combat. But in my life, my child dying was the most traumatic thing to ever happen to me.  The rest of my life has been changed and forever will be. 

I guess ultimately I now feel purposeless. Losing Lily makes me feel like "why live", but not in a "I'm going to kill myself" kind of way.  In a way of just now my life really has no meaning.  People will say things like, "you're young, you'll have another one". That isn't my concern, my concern is Lily, the daughter I carried for 9+ months and loved, isn't here.  A parent should never have to burry their child and that ache, I don't know I will ever recover from.  I don't wish this didn't happen, because it was meant to make me stronger, I just wish that I could look into the future and know that I am going to be okay and happy again.

Living separate lives

Fall time, my favorite.  Or at least it was...

Anyone that knows me knows that as soon as I found out I was pregnant I already had Halloween costumes picked out, christmas outfits selected and family photos with tacky sweaters in mind. Obviously that train got derailed real quickly this Summer.  My heart just isn't in the holiday spirit this year.  I don't care about Halloween (reaaaal shocker) and I could care less about  Christmas.  Last Christmas I was receiving baby gifts and this Christmas I don't wan't to show my face.

Weeks go by where I'm okay and then weeks, like this one, come and throw me down the street and trample me like when Mufasa died in The Lion King (y'all know that pain, right?).

My spirit is so completely shot that it really is hard to function everyday. I try, I really do, and I think for the most part I do a fabulous job of "fake it till you make it".  But in all honesty, I miss the old Mary.  Yeah, she could be a bitch sometimes, really sarcastic and didn't take much seriously....but that was part of my charm :D Obviously a traumatic event like this would change anyone but I miss that sort of innocence I had.  I wouldn't take it back though, because that would mean never having Lily in my life and I wouldn't trade those 9 months for anything.

Since I started working, I thought my motivation for life would come back and it hasn't.  Don't get me wrong I LOVE my job but I feel so purposeless.  Like what am I really even living for anymore? Who am I living for? My work life doesn't know about my personal life, which is nice because it allows me to escape my problems and sadness for 8-10 hours a day.  Although, it is nice to escape, when a wave of sadness hits me I have to change my thoughts right away to avoid crying.  I hate holding in the tears and sadness but I don't want this new group of people, who I am trying to earn respect from, to pity me. The last thing I want anyone to do is pity me and for the most part I feel like everyone in my normal life has treated me pretty normally, which is great.  It's weird though, I have to constantly watch what I say.  I can't say "when I was pregnant" or "I only craved that with Lily". Because to them, who's Lily to them?  I don't want to pretend like she didn't happen but to have to rehash story time with a whole new group of people, its just emotionally exhausting. Only one person, my boss, mentioned leaving my last job because I had a baby, but when I mentioned she passed, the topic switched.  I totally get that it is and can be uncomfortable to talk about but again, that's why I don't just bring it up with everyone.  I really feel like I am living two lives.  With my work life, I have a seemingly normal, happy life.  In reality, no one knows anything I have been through.  

It breaks my heart to think its been 3.5 months. I wonder who she would be, what milestones she would have accomplished by now and if she would have been a good dragon for Halloween.  I wish my biggest problems were shitty diapers and vomit on my chiffon blouse. There's moments I think that the only way to heal is to have another baby.  That however, sends me down a spiral of fear. Could I mentally handle another 9 months of being pregnant, living in constant fear of something going wrong?  I will never replace Lily, but I feel SO empty.  I know it will all happen when the time is right and I just hope my angel looks over me and protects me. 

In the meantime, there are only about 3 months left in 2014.  What went from a year of scary new beginnings, to joy, to excitement, to fear, to grief and sadness, to healing and recovering, I just hope and pray that 2015 blesses me with happiness because I sure as hell could use some right now.

I just want to go back to that bitchy, sarcastic Mary that I once was because serious, disheartened Mary is not so much a good look.

Lessons Learned as the Days Pass

It has now been 2 months since Lily passed.  I would like to say it gets easier but honestly, it is still sort of surreal.  It is surreal that all of this happened and has almost became a blur. Was I actually pregnant for nine months?  Where did all that time go? Did I really give birth to the most perfect baby only to lose her all in the same day? Did I really set up the entirety of our/her room, just to pack it all away?  I know all of these things happened but it was almost all in a haze.

I regret not cherishing every moment. Instead I bitched about being fat and uncomfortable.  I never took maternity photos because I was self conscious of how I looked.  I never embraced the beauty of it all because I figured I would have her soon enough, in the flesh.  Everyone would say, "its worth it in the end".  I think most pregnant women assume that once you are passed the 3 month mark, you're in the clear. Again,  I was fed by doctors that I was young and healthy and everything was fine.  With that said I learned A LOT. I learned that NOTHING is ever certain, ever.  I was 9.5 months pregnant, going on 41 weeks....I was as close as I could have possibly been to holding her.  Who in a million years would have thunk a 29 year old woman, seemingly healthy, with a healthy baby, could possibly lose her.  Not me, thats for sure.  That's the thing that scares me the most, going forward with pregnancies, I'll never feel safe.

I'll never know what truly went wrong.  I honestly don't care what it was because it wont change the outcome.  The pathology reports came back that there was no real signs of anything worrisome.  Although there were a list of "possible" reasons (smaller placenta, dying pieces of placenta, small vessels), all of which could have added up to stillbirth, who really knows.  In a way I'm glad they didn't find anything.  Although, it doesn't mean this cant happen again, it would just be really unlikely.

Now the hard part really truly begins.  As I mentioned in my first post, I quit my job to stay at home with Lils for however long I needed and felt right.  With that said, I needed to find a job.  Not because I wanted to, because I needed to for my own sanity. Now looking at it,  2 months may have not been enough time to heal and grieve but again, I believe in the universe aligning. I landed a job that I couldn't pass up and started this week.  Getting back into the routine of life was extremely hard.  I had grown accustomed to sleeping in, hiking, pet therapy (playing with my dogs) and socializing with people who cared about my wellbeing. Now since my job is so fast paced, I don't have time to think about everything that has happened, and that scares me.  I feel like unless I am thinking about her 24/7, I almost feel guilty like I am trying to forget her, which I'm not.  The other thing that scares me, since this is a new job, is meeting people.  No one here knows my story, my struggle, and where I've been.  They know I'm married and where my last job was.  I avoid questions like, "why did you leave that job" or "do you and your husband plan on having children soon".  Again, I feel guilty for doing that because I am not trying to deny that it happened.  On a side note, I thank Lily, because I really think she lead me to this job and where I am in my life now.

  

Aside from the work sitch,  Johnny and I have been really working on things to make us happy.  Working out, going to concerts, enjoying the summer sun.  I notice the only times I get really really down are when he isn't around.  When I am alone with my thoughts my mind wanders, I think, I get mad and then I turn into a mess.  Being with him is  like an escape, I forget my problems.  He makes life so much easier by just being.  We don't have to do anything but just his presence makes my soul calm. I can definitely say that this whole ordeal has made us so much stronger and closer (again, thanks Lils).  I wish this didn't happen and I wish I wasn't writing this blog but all I can do is move forward and grow from it.  I am so thankful that I have someone who is growing with me. I couldn't imagine going through all this alone.

I try my best to think of the silver linings and thank Lily for them.  Going forward anything in my life that happens is because she is my angel.  She is a blessing in so many ways and I have so many things to be thankful for.

With all that rambling said, good night world.

Our Story

My story begins on October 5th 2013. My boyfriend of 8 years and I had just moved in together 5 months prior and kids were definitely not something on either of our minds.  We had a comfortable lifestyle of being spontaneous and carefree.  All that changed when my stomach bug wouldn't go away.  After a day of rock climbing and feeling like I was going to throw up on a mountain, a friend of mine suggested I take a pregnancy test.  Although we laughed it off, deep down I somewhat knew that I could be pregnant.  The next day while my boyfriend was at work, I took a test. And another test...and another test. I prepared myself for the talk we would have to have when he got home.  Although I was 29, I was absolutely terrified to tell him and to actually take that step in our lives.  I have never been the maternal type and I always thought I could live a life without kids and marriage.

He was absolutely supportive in any decision I made.  I decided to go to the doctor and first confirm everything was true because you never know if the baby is even growing correctly, if there is a heartbeat or if it was a false positive.  We went to the doctor the following week and she confirmed that we were 7 weeks along.  Then she pointed out a little flicker of light and said, "That is the heart beat".  That was the moment that changed both of our lives. I am a strong believer in everything happening for a reason and this was the time in our lives that this was supposed to happen.  We realized if we were going to do this, we were going to do this 100%.  After a surprise disneyland proposal a few weeks later we got married. Everything just felt so right in our little world.

At my 19 week appointment we were told that that little bean in my belly was a girl.  I was over the moon excited because I am a daddies girl and wanted my husband to understand that feeling that a father has for his little girl.  I let my husband name her and he decided Lily would be the perfect name.  We both came to the middle name "Jay", a nickname I call my husband Johnny. I also think of a happy little jaybird when I hear that name. Everyone in our lives were excited for us and little girl things were being bought left and right.  This was to be the first grand child for my family so you can only imagine the excitement when I broke them the news! Unfortunately, that ultrasound would be the final photo I have of my little girl as they never sought to do another ultrasound again because I was healthy and there was no need.

Around 6 months I started having issues possibly related to anemia.  I would randomly black out and was having horrible migraines.  I called the advice nurse and they would ask me questions about passing out but never once was I told to come in to be monitored.  I didn't question them because I assumed they knew best and if feeling her move was all that was important, so be it. I had an appointment scheduled a day after I had a black out episode.  I told the dr. I was concerned for the baby and they sent me in for blood work.  Again, they didn't monitor the baby or my fluids or do an ultrasound.  My blood work came back fine but I was anemic which was true before pregnancy too.  I basically put myself on bed rest, quit my job and focused on resting.

Going forward I never passed out again and was feeling pretty okay throughout the rest of my pregnancy.  My 40 week appointment came a day after my due date (June 5 2014).  I was SO bummed that she hadnt come yet.  I was told not to worry because the first baby is usually late.  I was told to schedule being induced on June 12th if she doesnt come beforehand. That day I felt like I should have pushed for an ultrasound or to be induced sooner but I kept being told "Youre young and healthy, dont worry".

On Monday, June 9th I started to have contractions. I called the dr. to see if I should go in and I was asked if I felt her kicking.  Come to think of it, I didn't feel her much that day but I ate something sweet and waited for the kicks.  Lily Jay was a kicker the whole 9 months and on June 9th, she stopped kicking.  I thought it was weird but I was told it was probably because she had no more room to kick.  Fair enough, that totally made sense.  They asked if I wanted to come in or wait for the contractions to get stronger.  I decided to go in and start this process to finally see my baby girl.

I checked into the hospital and when they went to check the heart beat, there was no sound.  I was thinking, maybe thats not the right machine and they were looking for something else.  Then the dr came in with the ultrasound machine.  That was the moment our lives crumbled, there was no movement.

The dr. calmly said, "I'm sorry, there's no heart beat".  I couldn't even cry because I was in such shock, I didn't understand how this can even happen. The dr. said, "It just does, it can just happen".  He then explained that I would have to deliver her naturally since a c-section was pointless at this point. I begged to just have the surgery done because I didn't think I could mentally handle all of this.  Unfortunately my crying and begging was denied and I prepared myself to deliver my precious Lily Jay. 

The next day on June 10th at 5:17pm, after 24 hours of labor my little angel was born. Weighing 5lbs 15oz and 21inches, happiest moment of my life was the saddest day of my life. The baby I loved and carried for 9 months was gone.  My body was empty, my arms were empty and now my heart was empty.  She was literally the most beautiful baby I have ever seen and Im not just saying that because I created her.  She looked JUST like my husband did as a baby and had his beautiful full hair. My husband and I spent time with her the next day and promised her that she would never be forgotten and she would always be our little girl.

Although I was offered to have an autopsy done to possibly determine a cause, I denied having that done.  I wanted my angel to rest peacefully untouched, unharmed and pure.  They sent in placenta for testing to see if that showed any cause. At my followup appointment I was told that my placenta was smaller than normal, which happens at around 42 weeks and can cause the baby to get less blood and oxygen.  I was dumbfounded, then why hadn't my baby been checked at 40 week if there was a possibility that this could happen? The answer I was given was that I never gave them reason for monitoring because I was healthy though out my pregnancy. I hated hearing that because I knew in my heart I should have had better care, monitoring and ultrasounds done but trusted that the drs. knew best. I also kick myself for not demanding an ultrasound to see how big she was at 40 weeks. I know dwelling on these "what ifs" won't bring her back and will ultimately hold me back from moving forward, so I try my best to not do so.  Instead of dwelling, I want to be a voice so that more babies don't have to have their lives cut short. I filed a complaint with the hospital and demand that they start monitoring babies more especially if the mom is having health issues.  Also, just because the parents are young, healthy and in physically "good shape", that doesn't mean that their concerns are less valid than parents who are sick, use drugs or are older. Nothing will bring my baby back but if my complaint can somehow fix the way the doctors are trained then maybe some babies will be saved so that another mom doesn't have to endure the pain that my family has gone through.

Again, I am a believer in everything happening for a reason and I like to see  Lily as only a positive in our lives.  Although the outcome was not ideal, she made me and Johnny way better people.  We got married, moved out of a less than ideal neighborhood, my husband went back to school at night and I left a stressful job.  She made us realize that things that seemed to matter and make us upset, don't really matter.  She made us appreciate life more, live life more and to not sweat the small stuff. We decided to have her cremated so that we can spread her ashes in places that make us happy.  We live in San Francisco and love to drive up and down the coast.  The weekend before she passed we took that long drive and talked about all the places we were going to take her. I will keep my promise and take her there, spread some of her ashes and just know that every time I see the ocean, she's there. Another way we want to honor her is to spread her ashes in the soil and grow lilies. The most important thing to me is to not let her be forgotten and I will honor my little ones life the best I can. 

And to Lily Jay Lucatero, thank you. You have made both of your parents who they are today. Fly high my angel, mommy and daddy love you.