It's not crazy to think that I am a completely different person than I was 4 months ago but I'm so far gone from who I once was, sometimes I can't recognize myself. For those who know me, I've always been a social butterfly/party animal/the opposite of a home body. Nowadays, I can't even muster up the desire to even see most friends. Don't get me wrong, I have good days when I want to be out, get my nails done, go for coffee and lunch but attending birthdays, celebrating, night clubs and being with large crowds is anything but something I want to be doing. It makes me really sad because its not that I don't want to have fun, I want to, but I just cant seem to. Large crowds, concerts, and night clubs give me the quickest onset of panic and anxiety I've ever dealt with. I don't want to be around these people, I don't want to be in a loud atmosphere, and I don't want to deal with people who are inebriated.
I also feel like I have become socially awkward too. I can't seem to hold conversations, meeting new people is just so weird to me now and partying/drinking, forget about it. Granted I have never been a big drinker, nothing annoys me more than people who are drunk. My fuse has become so short I just can't seem to deal with that. I would rather leave the situation than force myself to deal with any of these things, even if it is with my friends. I'm not personally mad at any one person for having fun, I just really want no part of it. Somedays. There seems to be like one day a month where I can really let loose and have fun but then I revert back to being an introvert. I don't know if I feel some sort of guilt for having fun but it is almost instant where I just want nothing to do with the world again.
It is almost extreme for me to say this but in a way I feel like I have PTSD. I am in no way comparing my life to that of people in combat. But in my life, my child dying was the most traumatic thing to ever happen to me. The rest of my life has been changed and forever will be.
I guess ultimately I now feel purposeless. Losing Lily makes me feel like "why live", but not in a "I'm going to kill myself" kind of way. In a way of just now my life really has no meaning. People will say things like, "you're young, you'll have another one". That isn't my concern, my concern is Lily, the daughter I carried for 9+ months and loved, isn't here. A parent should never have to burry their child and that ache, I don't know I will ever recover from. I don't wish this didn't happen, because it was meant to make me stronger, I just wish that I could look into the future and know that I am going to be okay and happy again.
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