Anyone that knows me knows that as soon as I found out I was pregnant I already had Halloween costumes picked out, christmas outfits selected and family photos with tacky sweaters in mind. Obviously that train got derailed real quickly this Summer. My heart just isn't in the holiday spirit this year. I don't care about Halloween (reaaaal shocker) and I could care less about Christmas. Last Christmas I was receiving baby gifts and this Christmas I don't wan't to show my face.
Weeks go by where I'm okay and then weeks, like this one, come and throw me down the street and trample me like when Mufasa died in The Lion King (y'all know that pain, right?).
My spirit is so completely shot that it really is hard to function everyday. I try, I really do, and I think for the most part I do a fabulous job of "fake it till you make it". But in all honesty, I miss the old Mary. Yeah, she could be a bitch sometimes, really sarcastic and didn't take much seriously....but that was part of my charm :D Obviously a traumatic event like this would change anyone but I miss that sort of innocence I had. I wouldn't take it back though, because that would mean never having Lily in my life and I wouldn't trade those 9 months for anything.
Since I started working, I thought my motivation for life would come back and it hasn't. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my job but I feel so purposeless. Like what am I really even living for anymore? Who am I living for? My work life doesn't know about my personal life, which is nice because it allows me to escape my problems and sadness for 8-10 hours a day. Although, it is nice to escape, when a wave of sadness hits me I have to change my thoughts right away to avoid crying. I hate holding in the tears and sadness but I don't want this new group of people, who I am trying to earn respect from, to pity me. The last thing I want anyone to do is pity me and for the most part I feel like everyone in my normal life has treated me pretty normally, which is great. It's weird though, I have to constantly watch what I say. I can't say "when I was pregnant" or "I only craved that with Lily". Because to them, who's Lily to them? I don't want to pretend like she didn't happen but to have to rehash story time with a whole new group of people, its just emotionally exhausting. Only one person, my boss, mentioned leaving my last job because I had a baby, but when I mentioned she passed, the topic switched. I totally get that it is and can be uncomfortable to talk about but again, that's why I don't just bring it up with everyone. I really feel like I am living two lives. With my work life, I have a seemingly normal, happy life. In reality, no one knows anything I have been through.
It breaks my heart to think its been 3.5 months. I wonder who she would be, what milestones she would have accomplished by now and if she would have been a good dragon for Halloween. I wish my biggest problems were shitty diapers and vomit on my chiffon blouse. There's moments I think that the only way to heal is to have another baby. That however, sends me down a spiral of fear. Could I mentally handle another 9 months of being pregnant, living in constant fear of something going wrong? I will never replace Lily, but I feel SO empty. I know it will all happen when the time is right and I just hope my angel looks over me and protects me.
In the meantime, there are only about 3 months left in 2014. What went from a year of scary new beginnings, to joy, to excitement, to fear, to grief and sadness, to healing and recovering, I just hope and pray that 2015 blesses me with happiness because I sure as hell could use some right now.
I just want to go back to that bitchy, sarcastic Mary that I once was because serious, disheartened Mary is not so much a good look.
